“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Friends, we have once again entered that dreaded time of the year. It is inescapable, inevitable, inexorable, and unstoppable. It is when roads are covered in ice and snow; when people stampede each other for Black Friday deals. It is the cold, bitter season of Capitalist greed. It is Christmas.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love Pumpkin Spice lattes and cuddling up by the fire! Christmas carols are so good too. Why do you have to be such a kill-joy, jerk!?”

Well to that I say, “Who are you calling a jerk, buddy! I oughta knock your Christmas lights out!” 

Christmas is the most overrated holiday by far. No other holiday gets the same fervent following X-mas. There’s Christmas in July, in September, October and November. I mean, come on! Thanksgiving barely gets a weekend! Why do people feel the need to start things so soon? Are people that anxious to get past Halloween and Thanksgiving to necessitate Christmas music in October? It drives me crazy! Even Easter and All-Saints day are forgotten in the thundering wake of Christmas bells. 

By now, I must admit it. Despite making my prejudices against Christmas obvious, in order for those people who decorate before Halloween to understand, I shall write it plainly. Christmas sucks. Do I need to dumb it down anymore for you Christmas nuts to understand? Christmas = Bad. There, do you get it yet? 

Let me restate the meaning of Christmas for you. It is about the birth of Jesus Christ, it is about caring and helping each other, it is about clothing the naked, about feeding the poor, and it is about being nice. Why, however, are we only expected to do these things at the end of the year? Can we not do this throughout the year? Am I allowed to be a jerk, as long as it is not Christmas? It makes me laugh. This hypocrisy is why I dislike Christmas. People waste money to decorate their homes when they could help feed the hungry. They buy extravagant gifts when they could buy warm clothes for the homeless. They spend their time shopping and watching Christmas movies when they could be volunteering at soup kitchens. Christmas is less a holiday about giving than a holiday about greed. A white Christmas? Never; it will always be a Capitalist Christmas. 

So far, I have pointed out the failures of Christmas. Now, I will tell you how to fix them. First, only celebrate Christmas in December; leave time for other holidays. Second, do more volunteering and charity work throughout the year, not just around Christmas. Finally, learn what matters most to you. Spend your time during Christmas spending time with your family and

friends, doing good work for those less fortunate. Bring back the true meaning of Christmas. I thank you for your time.