by Ashley Miller

I decided to write this column because it would hopefully get me out of doing a story that I had no interest or will to do, so then it’d be horrible because I don’t like beating a dead horse.

Anyway, for the past three weeks, I’ve had a question brewing in the back of my mind about something kind of strange. I have been told that when smart people are confronted with a question they don’t know the answer to, the question will eat away at them until they have an idea of what the answer may be.

Here’s my answer:

Centaurs are mythological creatures who are half-horse, half-man. The top half of their bodies is the torso of a man while their lower half is of a horse. Because of this, centaurs technically have two ribcages. So, do they have two hearts, four lungs, two stomachs and two whole digestive systems? How would that even work? It would have to be continuous, or there would have to be another set of holes. Centaurs don’t wear pants and you don’t see any art proving the second theory, do you? No, you do not. (At least none that I’ve seen.)

Let’s go with them having one set of the normal organs; everything would have to be pretty long and jumbled up in there. The combined small intestines of a human and a horse would equal around 90-ft. Everything within them with the displacement of the organs due to the human torso would be garbled, which brings up another question: Do they have the organ placement of a human or of a horse? If they had one of a horse, the human torso would technically be their throat. Then we’d have to go with the horse part of them being just a long digestive tract, which is really strange. The intake of food would have to practically double.

Centaurs are mythological; I totally understand that. The fact that I’m taking time out of my day to analyze their anatomical structure is pretty sad, but the fact it’s all I’ve been able to think of for the past three weeks is pretty sad as well. I’m afraid it’s a question without an answer, and I don’t like those. I ask myself these questions all the time, and a lot of them make me want to shut off my brain and fall into a bottomless pit of nothing.

I won’t mention these questions because since it’s finals week my brain is already tired and because of that…. In conclusion, centaurs only have one digestive tract, their bone structure still doesn’t make sense, and their human torso may or may not be their throat.

This would be pretty strange and kind of spooky if centaurs were real. Thank the gods, they’re mythological beings.